Of Chancellors and Gungans
by His Majesty the Emperor
Summary: Chancellor Palpatine's thoughts on everyone's "favorite" Gungan, Jar Jar Binks. Set during the last year of the Clone Wars.


Star Wars is the property of Mickey Mouse. I am making no money on this short story nor do I claim any ownership of the characters shown. As always please leave a review!

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There are few things in this life that truly surprise me. Everything in existence has a predetermined pattern that it follows. This pattern can be deciphered given enough time. The Darkside of the Force has gifted me with the ability to look into the hearts of men, to peel back the layers and lay bare all that needs to be seen. A person's motivations, their hopes, dreams, and desires, nothing is hidden from me. With the power of the Force at my disposal anything and anyone can be understood.

Well, almost anyone at this rate.

The exception to the rule is currently sitting across my desk, jabbering about an issue that has honestly slipped my mind.

Jar Jar Binks.

Just his name alone fills me with a plethora of emotions, from homicidal rage to stupefaction, disgust, shock, and just simple confusion. Jar Jar is possibly the one sentient being I have ever met that is a complete enigma to me. What motivates this creature? Why does he do what he does? How can such a clueless idiot continue to breath? Surely he should have died at least one hundred times over in his pathetic life.

It seems that Jar Jar Binks is the best argument against both evolution (what creature could possibly evolve naturally into such a mentally deformed monstrosity?) and a loving higher deity (what loving God would subject us to _this_?). He is a literal paradox. Jar Jar Binks defies explanation or understanding.

He simply is.

To be sure, he is just as easily manipulated as the rest of these puppets that I must put up with (he's arguably much more easy to manipulate) but what intrigues me is that I can't figure out what is going on in that malformed brain of his. Perhaps that is why I have permitted him to live this long. He is, as disgusted as I am to say this, a challenge.

Oh, to be sure I do enjoy the ease with which I am gaining my power. But it seems at times to be almost _too _easy. A little challenge is a welcome exchange, even if I do have to put up with _that voice_. Yes, I suppose trying to figure out the puzzle that is our Gungan Representative is worth the annoyance.

What is he going on about again? I suppose I should actually listen to what he has to say.

"And thisa why meesa is proposing thisa bill to you, da Soopweeme Chancellor, so weesa can support da poor childrens whoosa parents been lost in this bombad war."

Oh right, he wants my support for a bill giving Republic aid to orphans who lost their parents because of the war. At least, I think that's what he said. One would think that after twelve and a half years living amongst humans he would learn to speak the language better. But no, he still seems to go on spouting that pygmy gibberish at anyone who he thinks is listening. In fact, if I was a gambling man I would wager that his language skills have actually deteriorated in the time I have known him. But I digress.

Wait, what was he talking about again? Oh, yes, yes, the aid to orphaned children. How quaint. How noble. How nauseating.

That such a creature could not only survive long enough to reach adulthood, but also attain a position of government is beyond my comprehension. Actually, now that I think of it I do suppose it makes sense. An irresponsible incompetent moron with no social skills managing to gain and maintain power in a legislature? Yeah, that adds up.

But there is a sick amount of amusement Jar Jar manages to elicit for me. It is obvious that his heart breaks just thinking about the suffering and misery that hang over this galaxy like a dark shroud. But who made this war possible? As I recall, a certain representative from a Mid Rim planet called Naboo. What was his name again? Ah, yes. Jar Jar Binks.

I believe it was he who convinced the Senate to grant me my Emergency Powers. And without those Emergency Powers this war could not have happened the way I wanted it to happen. Yes, Jar Jar is just as responsible for this final step in the Sith's Grand Plan as I am. All of this misery, all of this agony, all of this hatred and killing is just as much his fault as it is mine. Oh, to be sure I could have found another patsy should he have failed to step up to the occasion, but there was little chance of that happening, now wasn't there? He was so easy to guilt, so easy to manipulate.

And the absolute best part of all is that he has literally no idea. He seems incapable of realizing or even considering the fact that he is responsible for the deaths of countless billions. He has caused the very suffering that he is now trying to alleviate, and he has no idea that it was he who helped cause this suffering in the first place! There is denial and stupidity, and then there is this. I suppose you could call it stupidenial. Even the Jedi have become slightly suspicious of me at this point! But not Jar Jar.

This is only the beginning though. Soon enough this Republic shall finally die. The Sith shall have their revenge on the Jedi Order and their allies. The Senate shall cheer me as I proclaim myself Emperor of the First Galactic Empire. A New Order shall arise, an Order of authority, power, strength, and stability. And it is all because of one incompetent Gungan. Perhaps for that I shall allow him to live to see my New Empire in all of its glory. As a way of saying thank you of course. After all, every Emperor needs a court jester.

I look at my chronometer and realize that I have a meeting with my Cabinet in about 10 minutes. Oh dear, is he still chattering on about this bill? It is time I end this farce of a meeting.

"My dear Representative, I must thank you ever so much for bringing this bill to my attention. After all, the children of our great Republic are our future, and they must be protected and helped no matter what."

(I must remember to have Orn Free Ta kill this bill, preferably in committee. That will show that demented rabbit, duck, frog, _thing_ for wasting an hour and a half of my time. The government doesn't run itself after all.)

"Now I am sorry, but I have a Cabinet meeting that I must attend." (Please don't let the door hit you on the way out.)

"Okiee Day, Chancellor. Meesa thanks yousa for listening to this proposal meesa bring to yousa." He babbles. Why can't he go pester Amidala more often and leave me be? That woman must have nerves of steel if she can put up with him as much as she does.

"Oh, thank you Representative Binks, now good day."

I turn to collect some datapads for the meeting when I hear a cacophony of shattering porcelain. Looking up, I see that Jar Jar, not paying attention to his surroundings (what a surprise) has knocked over one of my priceless vases, shattering it into a million pieces.

"Oopsy, meesa bad. Thisa wasn't valuable, was it?"

Strike that whole "I'll let him live" thing I thought about earlier. As soon as I am done annihilating the Jedi Order Jar Jar Binks will be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes.


End file.
